Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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