if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize