Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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