im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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