Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize