did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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