"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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