I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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