You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
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I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
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She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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