I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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