my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
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The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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