Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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