i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
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She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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