I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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