Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize