There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We just shotgunned beers for America
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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