Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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