I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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