I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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