i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize