i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
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PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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