I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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