I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
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I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
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Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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