I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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