The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
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If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
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true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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