He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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