Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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