Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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