There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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