I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
how does that bad decision feel?
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