So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
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He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
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Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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