Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize