I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
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I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
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Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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