I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
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Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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