You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can I color on your dick again?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize