I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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