i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
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gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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