You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
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What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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