I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
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just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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