Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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