The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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