it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
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I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
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How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
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