Do you still have your period?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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