I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
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He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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