im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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