wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
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I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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