You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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