My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize