If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize