I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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